Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.