Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My what?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
