Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Not today
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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Me: Same
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
