Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.