Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.