Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

need him

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

You saw nothing. I am ham.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.