Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]