Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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Human are so complicated
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip