Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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Me: Same
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Weirdly Wednesday.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade