HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
They’re the worst 😩
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I need to sieze this.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.