Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point