Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

I love this❤️😁👍

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

This kid will have a bright future.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

the zen of frog

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger