Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen