Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job