Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.