Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!