Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me, in DM rooms…
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.