Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.