Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.