This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
You Might Also Like
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
This is the one
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying