[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
You Might Also Like
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?