Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

Passed by a old school Math example today.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

So that’s what we looked like?

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.