Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
True statement👍😏😁
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Morning all.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done