Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
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A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
thank god
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”