Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You Might Also Like
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
This is a true ally.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
What number SPF blocks people?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE