Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*