Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

You have been warned.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

😬

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has