Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Care for your back
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.