Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”