Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

😂

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.