Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.