Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Best mom ever 😂
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.