Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Have a lovely day 😊
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?