@divergentmama

Him: you were having some crazy dreams last night

Me: good ones or nightmares?

Him: not sure but you kept kicking me

Me: ah definitely good ones

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@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@SirEviscerate

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

@iwearaonesie

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@PaperWash

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!