For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Him: you were having some crazy dreams last night
Me: good ones or nightmares?
Him: not sure but you kept kicking me
Me: ah definitely good ones
You Might Also Like
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
apartment hunting is going well
KFC hitting the cannibal market
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!