me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though