@divergentmama

Him: you were having some crazy dreams last night

Me: good ones or nightmares?

Him: not sure but you kept kicking me

Me: ah definitely good ones

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@Tbone7219

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

@MrAdamBez

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.

@stevehasatweet

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

@PleaseBeGneiss

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

@HepatitisAtoZ

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

@JustMeTurtle

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

@XplodingUnicorn

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.