Lady GaGa is easily the scariest of all the Muppets.
Him: you were having some crazy dreams last night
Me: good ones or nightmares?
Him: not sure but you kept kicking me
Me: ah definitely good ones
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
‘Active’ shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.