Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.