Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

waiting for halloween be like:

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”