Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.