Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.