Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?