Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you