Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

“No way.” -Jose

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

As the Lord intended

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.