Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’ve had relationships like this
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I have a type: disappointing
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.