Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

The days of good grammer has went

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.