Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had to share :’)

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Still my favourite meme.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta