Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival