Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The two types of wives
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.