Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”