Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!