Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

Well, that should do it

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff