Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting