Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck