Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”