Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Breaking news:

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

I only treason on days ending in y