Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card