Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Never be a pizza!
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Science memes
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Thank heavens for community notes
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
🤷♀️
