Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
For real 🤣
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.