Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
You Might Also Like
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Breaking news:
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.