Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

bury ourselves

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

LOL

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”