Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!