Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts