Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.