Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.