Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.