Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man