Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.