Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Challenge accepted.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.