Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.