Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?