Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Truth
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
smh
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
my favorite gender
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée