Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips