Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree