Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
all i want is to be as happy as this potato